Paranoid....

I have a bunch of other posts written. One of which I was going to post tonight. But they all have to wait. I need to get this out today. Get ready, because you're about to get a dose of just how crazy I am. I'm actually kind of ashamed to admit ANY of this because i'm afraid it might make me sound like a bad person. I'm gonna use the cheesiest line in the book here when I say this but....Remember, it's not you...it's me.

It goes like this: My brain has two parts. The crazy part and the rational part. I tell people i'm crazy all the time. People generally respond with "Ahhhh, you're the good kind of crazy though. You're fun. You keep things interesting!"....like i'm joking. I'm not joking....at all. I think there is seriously something wrong with my brain. Why, you ask? It's hard to explain. But i'll try my best.

I constantly live in fear that people are angry with me. Why? I have no idea. Thats why i'm writing about it. So maybe I can pinpoint an idea that makes sense? For as long as I can remember, i've had that fear. It is ridiculous and irrational. <------------------See right there is what I call using the "rational side" of my brain. I KNOW my fear is irrational and stupid. But I insist on believing the crazy side. Sometimes i'm right and people ARE angry with me....but 95% of the time, its just me losing my fucking mind and overanalyzing things as I always do.

I feel like if I haven't heard from someone or seen them in a while, I automatically think it's because they're mad and avoiding me for some reason. Why? Because thats what I do when I'm not fond of someone. Avoid the uncomfortable situation at all costs. But instead of reaching out and actually contacting said person and finding out what the fuck is going on because I am NOT good at confrontation, I just recoil and continue convincing myself that that person is angry with me. Its kinda like this "Sneaky Hate Spiral" here, only nowhere near as funny.

Sometimes, it doesnt even have to be that though. All you have to do sometimes is say something the wrong way....send the wrong text message...not respond to me quick enough in any way, shape, or form......and my brain automatically kicks into crazy mode. "Well, what he fuck did I do to you, ASSHOLE?" is generally how it goes.....

I know I have flaws, and I know I have pissed people off in the past. But those incidences are few and far between. When I start convincing myself someone hates me, I often overanalyze the entire situation. Including "what the fuck did I do to bring this situation on?", which generally leads to me beating myself up ALOT because I can't seem to figure out the problem, when in reality there IS NO PROBLEM TO FIGURE OUT WHATSOEVER. That leads to alot of unneccesary self-abuse mentally. It kinda blows really.

The rational side of my brain tries to reason with me and says "Hey Jo....they're probably just busy. It's all right...nothing to lose sleep over. " But my crazy side pipes in with "Yeah but what about (insert random inane situation that makes no sense here)?" and then I kick my rational side down a few more notches, so I value the rational sides opinion less and less, and the crazy side wins!!!

See, i'm not "eating my hair and poking at the padded wall" crazy, there's just wires that aren't crossed properly. Does any of this make sense? Is it just me? Does anyone else have these paranoid delusions? Should I get this checked out?

So in conclusion I have to say this. If for some strange reason you ARE mad at me.....could you tell me please? I hate feeling like i'm losing my mind. Just talk to me, so I can avoid this kind of unpleasantness in the future.....k?